Sandi Carter Brown is a sexual-abuse and child-abuse survivor. She is the founder of
Survivor Activist Art, a website for survivors. It is dedicated to showcasing their artwork which for them is both theraputic and creative.
Rhonda Ramsey and I asked Sandi some questions.
Melina: How
has being an abuse survivor affected your self esteem as an adult?
Sandi:
As I entered adulthood, in the literal
sense, I had no self esteem. I was extremely co-dependent, living vicariously
through other people. In my late teens and early twenties I believed my
existence was solely to please others. I was unconsciously attracted to people
that would ultimately hurt me and I did a good job of hurting myself via drugs
and alcohol. Eventually my self esteem did appear from
my jobs and then a career in telecommunications. I was a hard worker and feedback
from that lead me on the road to self esteem.
Melina: How did you turn to art as a
creative/therapeutic outlet? How has it helped you?
Sandi: For one year I lived in Los Angeles prior to
my current location. While in Los Angeles I found a wonderful therapist.
Several weeks into therapy she told me of an acting class that one of her
former clients ran. Some of the people at these classes were actually there for
just that ‘acting classes’, and the others for therapeutic reasons. I began
attending these three hour classes twice a week. Between my wonderful therapist
and the acting classes, with an unbelievably talented facilitator, I cracked
open like a raw egg. I began to get in touch with my body and hence my
creativity. While my daughter was playing with modeling clay one day I decided
to try to make something. Without being fully conscious of what I was creating
I modeled a head. The head was of a devil and even though the subject matter
was dark, I was impressed with how easily I had made the piece. I purchased
some clay and began sculpting. Some of the works were very childlike but most
were very dark. After, and sometimes during the sculpting process I would begin
to feel things in my body, very scary and painful feelings. These feelings had
to come out because they were literally killing me. So to answer your question,
with each piece I would experience a memory. Looking at that memory in the form
of art allowed me to accept it and let it go. With each piece I created I
became lighter…the heaviness was beginning to lift. I had to relive the abuse I
had repressed. Creativity allowed that to happen.
Melina: What was your inspiration for starting
Survivor Activist Art?
Sandi: I had created so much art during my
healing process and had been in several survivor art shows. The healing power,
apparent to so many survivors, was astronomical. As the nineties rolled by and
the survivor shows diminished I was not able to find an outlet to exhibit my
works. I felt a loss of community and for anyone, particularly one with a
troubled past, that was very hard for me. In February of this year I took
matters into my own hands and created Survivor Activist Art.
Melina: In the beginning, did you have difficulty
finding others to submit their artwork?
Sandi: Yes, and even though the site has been
viewed in 49 states and 43 countries I’m still not getting the feedback I had
hoped for. I must remember that this is a new site and it takes time. I have
used Facebook and Twitter to promote SAA to other survivors, activists, women’s
centers and rape crisis centers.
Melina: How many artists are featured on your
website?
Sandi: At this time four visual artists and
four writers.
Rhonda: What is your driving force? When you
work so hard to help others find healing, where does that come from?
Sandi: For me it can only be explained one way
~ the energy of the Devine. When I was
fifteen years old I had a near death experience. Prior to my NDE I had always
felt a sense of God through nature and animals. My NDE showed me that love is
what matters. We are here to learn and grow and love. Anything other than that
is merely a distraction. My NDE showed me that we live within the Devine
Energy, not that God lives within us. As a human being I hope to enlighten
myself and others throughout my life.
Rhonda: What do you feel is the best
starting place for finding healing after trauma?
Sandi: Tell, tell, tell and tell some more. If
the first person doesn’t believe you find another. As victims we tend to
gravitate towards people who may not be healthy for us, therefore keep telling
until you get the help you so deserve. Finding the right therapist is key. Find
a therapist that has training and experience with victims of trauma. If any
therapist tries to force you into telling something you are not ready to tell,
or do something you are not ready to do, find another therapist. You are in
control of your healing process the therapist is there to help you feel safe
and give you guidance. Properly facilitated support groups can be very healing.
Contact your local rape crisis center.
Rhonda: When it comes to adults finding
healing, after years of keeping things bottled up, what do you tell those who
doubt a way out of crippling memories?
Sandi: That’s a tough one. I have a friend
that has been holding on her whole life and refuses to face her past trauma. It
is literally killing her. I’ll say what I have said to her. IT GET”S BETTER!
The saddest thing for me is to see is a ‘victim’ and takes that title to their
grave. Holding on so tight, so afraid, so sad.
Rhonda: How long have you been on this journey
of helping others, and what has been some of your biggest obstacles?
Sandi: I do not remember when I was not on
this journey. Unfortunately much of my need to help people was because of
co-dependency and dysfunction. As I learned about my life and myself I have
been able to turn that around. As a child my biggest obstacles were the same
people that hurt me. I wanted to help them. It sounds so twisted but that is
exactly what abuse does to you. As a young adult my biggest obstacle was me,
promiscuity, drugs, alcohol, and putting myself in dangerous situations. As I
began healing, I was able to help others in a healthy way. That saying ‘heal
yourself, heal the world’ is profound. You must be to become.
Rhonda: When
you think of your success stories, how would you describe that feeling of being
a part of their healing process?
Sandi: We are all one. My heart fills with
gratitude.
Rhonda: What do you tell others who want to
reach others the way you have, but do not know where or how to start.
Sandi: As you heal, opportunities will open to
you. The river of healing is running beside you, once you step on it you’ll
know.
Rhonda: Do you have any regrets as far as your
business plan? (Or anything that you would change about your journey thus far?)
Sandi: There are some things I would change
about my journey. With hindsight I would have done more holistic work. All of
the holistic work I did do was amazingly affective. I have no regrets about my
business plan pertaining to SSA but I do have a personal regret…I wish I had
been more present for my precious daughter. I tried so hard.
Melina: Your
goal is to ultimately start a museum. How can others help make your dream a
reality?
Sandi: Having a place for survivors, their
partners, family and friends has been a goal of mine since experiencing the
healing power of community. There are no words that can communicate how strong
the power of coming together is. Many, if not most survivors have PTSD,
including myself …we need each other. I do not have a business plan for the
museum. I have just started by planting the seed of this goal on SAA. I’m open
to all suggestions and any help I can get. I am disabled and on a fixed income
so money will definitely help. More importantly getting together on a business
plan would be a great start. At some point we would need pro-bono legal
assistance, insurance, and of course a facility that would be accepting of a
museum that to some would be very controversial. There is much to consider. The
museum is in the pre-natal stage.
Melina: Anything else you'd like to add?
Sandi: Just
a few additions you may be interested in:
·
EMDR, (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing),
is very helpful for some survivors, it certainly was for me.
·
I was awarded on two occasions for my
activism
·
I am a member of the RAINN, (Rape and
Incest National Network), Speakers Bureau
·
I have spoken out publically at the
Massachusetts State House, assisting in changing two laws.
·
I teach art to special needs children
and adults on a part time basis at a local museum. That is my reward!
